you know when you were younger (or maybe not so young?) and you were at a birthday party or a church event (for me it was church) and you had to play some relay game and they made you sit on balloons and pop them?

i hate that. i don't want to sit on a balloon. i don't like the sound it makes. and what if it hurts?

STUPID


okay so i first of all can't believe the makeup and hair. BUT whhhhyyyy can't i be that skinny again? and i officially wish my chest wasn't tattooed. DAMNITTTT

how can a person have so much control over my mind? how long has it been? i think that when i am 90 and dying in a hospital..you will be the last thought on my mind. WHY>!??!?@#$$$%t WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. SEERIOUSLY. i want to curl up in a corner and die. seriously. this is disgusting.

im not a normal person
my mind is not right
i seriously have mental problems
i want to check myself into an institution

i need to make some changes


smokey robinson-being with you

listen to it over and over and over and over
i could die to this song..can i just marry him?

i seriously never will understand people..

you have beautiful children. doesn't matter how many. and you claim you love them and will do anything for them. but you still continue to do drugs and drink till you black out?

i mean really. grow up. you would risk your child losing their father or mother just so you can fucking get high or go to a bar and party all night?
i've done my share  of drugs and alcohol. but i would never ever dream of doing anything like that again. i might have a drink here and there but i would never do anything to risk losing my child. i could never imagine dying of something related to drugs or being shit faced and have someone else raise my kids.

you're pathetic and disgusting and have no right to ruin your innocent childs life.

ah..it is sooooo nice to be alone. i had to take a "moment" from the baby chaos at my house. billy started to get under my skin so i decided to come  over to my parents house. they are gone so it's me, dogs, and fish. it's great. i don't know if he really understood why i left. maybe he should think about it. anyways..

this morning we had a garage sale at my parents. we made 90 bucks. most of it was my parents old furniture but they gave me the money. i sold a ton of baby clothes so..yay. i'm sick of having it all lay around. and then i sold matthews swing for 27..which is a rip cause it was like braaaand new. but when you need to pay rent you will do pretty much anything..almost. we didn't sell our couch though. were ordering one from billy's work so it needs to go. it's sitting over here for now so we don' t have one at home. next sat we are having another sale so maybe then..?

billy's mom decided to tell him last night that she has a rare form of fast moving cancer. so..i mean i'm trying to be positive for him, but he's taking it hard. but i can't imagine how he's feeling. i think i would be more of a wreck if it were me. i love his mom, i have only been around her a few times but she sends sweet text messages and i think she is really trying to be a good mother now. she wasn't when he was young, she was a pot smoking police officer..great example for young kids. but anyways. its hard. he's assuming there is going to be a funeral next week and i keep trying to tell him to enjoy the time he has with her and to think positive thoughts and keep praying that things will go the way god has planned. i hate these situations though i never feel like i have the right thing to say. it's like there's nothing you can say to really make a difference. but he knows i'm here for him whenever he needs me.

were moving in like a month. sorta excited sorta not. i think once the move is over it will be fine. moving gives me so much anxiety and i feel so shitty all the time and have no strength to help and i don't wanna cleannnn.

mostly, everything is okay. i feel like i haven't had much time lately to really think about things.  so that's okay.

ew i had a dream about cory last night. soooooooo gross. puke. puke. oh mistakes. aren't they lovely?

i love reading old e-mails, livejournal posts..etc. i love it. i love going back in time to a place where i had friends, a job, confidence..

really, i love my children. i love them more than anything. it's a feeling only a mother can understand. they are so beautiful and so much fun. they give you such an amazing feeling. so don't get me wrong. i'm just being honest because this is my place to. i can say what i want and those who choose to judge me can, i don't really care. it's about venting, and i'm entitled to that.

it's so hard sometimes. i honestly don't have friends.  i don't spend any time with anyone other than my kids, husband and mother..and occasionally my sister. i don't talk to anyone on the phone about my day. i don't go out to dinner. i don't go out to bars. i don't go shopping, to the movies..whatever. i wake up at 700 every morning..and spend every single second of my day with my boys. the only time i get away from them is when they sleep, or when i'm sleeping. and its not that i mind it, i find myself to be very lucky to stay home with them. but after two years of like almost NO contact with anyone it gets hard.

when i have a bad day, i want to go out with someone. i want to talk on the phone. i want to cry to someone about my problems. i want to go out to get a drink or go out to eat. i want someone to give a shit about what's going on with me. i miss being excited to talk to my friends. i miss having a job

it's like sometimes i say  to myself.."why does it matter what your hair looks like? why does it matter what clothes you own? why do you try to loose weight?" for myself yes but does it REALLY matter?

i'm not trying to get pity. it seems that way but i'm not. i'm simply expressing my current feelings.

i'm fucking lonely. i don't have any contact with anyone. it sucks, and i'm only 23.

i love my  family. my kids are beautiful. but sometimes i would like someone else to be around.

bla bla bla..i am always right about people. i know eeeeeverything. and i don't care! so buuuuuuuuuusyyyyyyy//EVERYONE!

all i need is my sweet boys. one babbling in his own chinese sounding language..it doesn't matter if he doesn't talk. at least i know he has me in mind. in his heart...
one grabbing his toes in his bouncer, constantly staring at his big brother or waiting for me to smile at him.

THAT..my 'friends' is all i need!

i'm having a weird personal moment. it's like all the mistakes i've made in parenting are crashing all around me and i want to fucking cry. i love my kids and i wish that we were all programmed to do the right things. FUCKkkkkkkkkk

i love my babies so much..

anyways..i will have insurance on monday. the boys are both going to see their dr monday morning and then i have my dr's appt on friday. i will be spending so much at the dr and love every moment of it.

we finally got billy's unemployment money yesterday. it is sooo not as much as i was thinking but we're blessed to have it right now cause we have a lot going on in the next week or so.

umm i gotta cancel my internet and cable cause i can't afford it. BLAH

welllll...christopher most likely has an inguinal hernia. he has all the symptoms and talking to his dr that's what it sounded like to him also. maybe it's not, can't get him in to the dr till june 1st. if that's the case, he will have to get surgery. UGH. poor baby. i wish i could get him in sooner but an office visit is 67 bucks and i soo don't have it. basically we have to watch and if his nut gets red, bigger or dark then we gotta take him to the emergency room. shiiitttttyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

yesterday julie came and worked with chris. he did pretty good this week. he has been signing a little more and he was being a little more interactive with her. buuuut she made the mistake of giving him crayons at the end of their session and he FREEEEEEEAKED the fuck out. i haven't seen him throw a tantrum like that before. it was so embarrasing. but i guess she see's that all day..anyways. it's insane when he gets like that. there is nothing you can do to calm him down and i refuse to just give him his cup or something just to make him quiet. i don't want to seem like i'm rewarding him. ya know..kids!

we went to dollar tree and got chris some new books and some plastic colored balls. he loves them. we also went to petsmart. my sister bought chris a betta and a little cube for it. his name is larry and he's the best. chris doesn't really like him that well, but i do! he likes bigger fish tanks.

tooodaaaay is yesterdays tomorrow?

chris got his first haircut on saturday. he was absolutely amazing and it looks so fucking cute. he looks like he's so much older. aaaadorable. and he will be so much more comfortable in the summer with short hair. love it.

i want: black diamonds, my nails done, my hair cut, and really good friends again.



i'm making ww butterfinger cheesecakes..if my mom ever gets home.

i should have never cut my hair. i like it when it's cut and cute, and now that it's growing and i can't afford a haircut...it looks so gross and now i want to just shave it. balhhhhhhh


chris is signing more the past couple days. he is doing "more" and "please" and it's so cute. and he is driving me crazy right now,

mother's day was great. last year i only had one boy and now i have two and i couldn't ask for a better mothers day than that. the boys (or my parents) got me beauuuutiful roses and the betsey johnson cupcake necklace i wanted for so long. we ate dinner and laughed at my brother and it was just nice.

my face itches and iiiiiiiii am bored i think.

i always tell myself to not wait so long to color my hair. it seriously makes a HUGE difference and it seems like my laziness always makes me forget that.

tomorrow is mothers day. my kids are the best, that's all i need.

i have been meaning to update for a while now, but the last four or five days have been fucking hell. i literally felt like someone was either poisoning me, or my body was eating itself alive. i have never felt more miserable in my entire life and was sure that i was going to die. luckily, my AMAZINNNNNNNG ob dr. seal got me in yesterday and my mom paid for the visit since i have no insurance. and he is pretty confident that these were all symptoms of stopping my high dosage of thyroid medication and that drastic change would cause all of it. he gave me a new prescription for levothyroxine, medicine for my migraines (thank god) and almost better-the most amazing medicine in the world: ambien. FINALLY sleep. i took ambien in the hospital to help me sleep and i love it so dearly. he seemed confident that this is all my problem is, and i have to be positive and trust that he's right. if not, i'll do some labs. but right now the fioricet is helping me get through my day like 900 times easier. and the levothyroxine should help in a couple days to a week. i can do it. i just know im negative in my bank account now from the prescriptions but i don't even care.

anyways..i haven't even been able to think straight these past days. but my mind is clear now and i'm much happier. i lost 8 pounds since sunday and that's really the only benefit.  so now i have lost a total of 36 pounds. nice. just maybe 14 more and i can be pretty satisfied.

matthew got on some prescription zantac and he's like a brand new baby. he is so much happier and doesn't puke all that nasty clear stuff.

billy and i are doing great. we rented benjamin button on tuesday. with his schedule and by the time we get the kids in bed and all, it's definitely a 3 or 4 day movie. but that's okay.

a little bump in the road, but my life is pretty damn good

im seriously trying to be a more positive, happier uplifting person. i need to be that way. i am in control of how i feel everyday and letting the little things wear me out isn't going to help. physically i don't feel good but i can't control that right now and i know that emotionally i can make a difference. so i'm trying. it's kinda hard for me but i can do it. yes.

matthew got a prescription for zantac. it tastes like crap so i wasted a couple doses just trying to get him to take it. i had to mix it with some formula. i reaaaaaaally hope this helps. i think it will.

i totally forgot to pay rent today and the office closes at 5 and the boys are asleep..mmmman. there's this cute condo down the street from billy's work that is SO CUTE with a two car garage, two bed and bath and a backyard and NO ONE LIVING ON TOP! it's only 100 bucks more a month and if we can get them to lower the rent 50 bucks then we are gonna break our lease and move. that would be the most amazing change ever.

there's aaaaaaaaalways a waaaaay

oh and i can't BELIEVE i had a dream about paul last night. hooooly shit. and in my dream he was a total asshole. and i know that if i saw him or if we ever spoke again he would be super nice. we went throught a lot together and i highly doubt he would be a dick. i think he would be totally happy for me. i miss him. fucking weirdest dream ever

taking matty in to get some medicine for acid reflux..don't want to take him to a doctors office..

i love my boys, socks, soft comfy lazy stretchy big pants, green burritos from del taco, billy's days off, shopping, water...and vicodin

i swear i'm so irritated. it's like i'm a fucking broken record. no matter how many times i tell billy to fucking limit how much he spends during the day he NEVER listens to me. so we have 17 dollars in our bank account because he spends like easily 20 a day on food and fucking SODA. anyways. i'm going to take his debit card. i have no choice and i feel like his mother but i'm sorry but he doesn't listen to me and it makes me feel like he doesn't give a shit about our finances.

ok got that off my chest.

i cut chris' bangs last night  cause they were getting in his eyes. he wouldn't stop moving so needless to say they got a little shorter than i wanted. but they are still cute and it will be better in the long run.

you're all boring and i don't know why i waste my time on this thing.